I contributed to a comment war on a Yahoo! News site.
That's right. I exchanged verbal blows with people who have yet to discover grammar. It was the internet equivalent of driving a monster truck through the 100-meter dash at the Special Olympics, and I'm not proud.
That being said, even the mentally challenged would merit a shoe to the head for some of the things I read on that comment board.
As you may know, a lesbian high school student in Mississippi recently won a rather large settlement from her school district because they wouldn't let her take her girlfriend to prom. (Apparently, they thought that she should just go with her cousin like 85 percent of her classmates. Insert cymbal clash.)
As with most Yahoo! News articles-- and, unfortunately, a lot of online news stories-- the comment board almost immediately filled with thousands of messages from posters who fell into one of four categories, which I will kindly describe to you now.
- The ravenous Bible-thumper-- This person apparently never had a civics class. Or, possibly, any classes. It may very well be that they're quoting the Bible so vigorously because it's the only book they've ever read. Or, it's the only book they've ever listened to on audio tape, which, judging by their mangling of the English language, is the more likely scenario. Coupled with a generous dose of Fox News and the 700 Club, they are fully equipped to tell you all about the message of Christ-- that abortion and taxes are tools of the devil and the gays are out to eat your babies, rape your dog and bring down democracy as we know it.
- The outraged fiscal conservative-- This man is convinced that every time a policy decision is made, a court decision is passed or a roll of toilet paper is purchased at the library, it came directly from his tax dollars and his tax dollars alone. However, being too lazy to attend a "tea party" and bitch and moan with his fellow useless ass-clowns, he decides to share his impotent rage with the mighty Internets. Thanks, pal.
- The mindless asshole-- Having no real ideological reason to comment on the article, but unable to repress the insatiable need to prove to the world that he is a complete and utter douchebag, this particular individual proceeds to fill the message boards with such insightful jewels as "She's a fat bitch," "Why does that ugly whore get money?" and "Lesbian sex is gross, it's like two scissors rubbing against each other." (And, unfortunately, I did not make these comments up. Dead serious.)
- The overly nice girl-- She's the little ray of sunshine in the otherwise dark and stormy world of online comment boards. Her comments range from "You go girl!" to "I don't think it's our place to judge." While a beacon of civility, in what is otherwise a glorified version of this, one is left with the urge to take her by the hand and quietly walk her away before she gets hurt. Or hit with a renegade chunk of feces.
(An honorable mention goes to the three angry gay men, who basically directed comments on par with those of the Mindless Asshole at the Bible-thumping individuals in the conversation. You know, because being aware of the legal basis or even basic logical arguments behind the issues that you care about is for sissies. Good job, guys, on figuring out that it's best to fight fire with aggressive stupidity.)
Now, obviously something had to be done to pull the discussion toward the realm of sanity. I mean, thousands of people were debating a matter of civil rights and public law in terms of Bible verses and fat jokes. At least something reasonable had to be said.
So, when I read a comment from "DJ" stating: "Let these heathens carry on with their wicked ways. The Lord's wrath will be swift and nonforgiving," I calmly hit the "Reply" button below his post and proceeded to do my part.
"I think the word you're looking for is 'unforgiving.'"
Send.
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