Sometimes I really miss college...

Tonight, while sifting through the wreckage of my beloved Mac, I stumbled upon a cache of old essays, articles, outlines and other various categories of the written word from my college days. Needless to say, the bulk of them were absolute garbage. This particular piece, however, stood out... All the angst and idealism, it reminds me of a day when I was young and hopeful and could drink half a fifth of Bacardi 151 to myself in an evening and still wake up the next morning (I mean that exactly how it sounds. If I were to drink 151 in any quantity now, I would probably die). Anyways, I thought I would share it, if for no other reason than that I want it documented somewhere-- anywhere-- that I was able to turn in a paper with profanity in the title and still get a 4.0. Because that's how the real gangsters roll.


                                                       Separation of head and ass
   Pat Robertson never ceases to amuse me. The 75-year-old source for such valuable nuggets of wisdom as “[Feminsim] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians,” and “There is no such thing as separation of church and state in the Constitution,” was publicly outraged by the ousting of intelligent design from the Dover public school’s curriculum. Something about God smiting them for poking Him in the eye…
   But, as amusing as Robertson’s remarks might be, they are centered around one of the most debated issues in the US today—separation of church and state. Pat Robertson aside, most of the major issues in the past five years have had major moral significance—gay marriage, abortion and, of course, religion’s place (or lack thereof) in public schools.
   Of all three of these issues, only the abortion debate has any potential for a serious legal basis, mainly because it deals with the termination of a potential human life. The debate, however, gets kind of messy when it comes to determining where life actually begins—from the moment of conception or after the second trimester (when the fetus could survive outside the womb). It’s entirely a Bible vs. science debate. The logical thing to do would be to go with science. You can prove the stage at which a fetus can survive on its own; that’s not so possible with the whole determining the exact moment the fetus receives a soul thing.
   As for the other issues, there’s no legitimate legal basis whatsoever, at least not on the side Pat Robertson would be cheerleading for. It all comes down to that nasty little thing called the First Amendment—the thorn in the side of intolerant zealots everywhere. Quite honestly, I’m ashamed to be in a country where something like gay marriage has to be an issue. I’ve heard several arguments against it—“[Gay marriage is] behavior… prohibited by God himself,” “It would destroy ‘Traditional family values,’” and, my personal favorite, “Public schools… will embrace homosexuality.” (All justifications from “Eleven arguments against same-sex marriage” by Dr. James Dobson.) First of all, this country is not governed by the Bible. It’s governed by the Constitution and the Constitution just so happens to guarantee all people equal rights and equal protection under the law. And what typically happens when two people fall in love? They get married. So, under that theory of equality, that right should be universal, regardless of the gender of the people involved. Secondly, it would destroy traditional family values? The same argument was made against allowing women in the workplace, but look—here we are and, amazingly enough, the world’s still spinning. Besides, who is he to determine which tradition qualifies as “Traditional family values?” Finally, Heaven forbid that public schools teach a little bit of tolerance! (Please note my sarcasm). I can’t help but wonder how many kids like Matthew Shepard would still be alive today if more people had learned how to be accepting at an early age.
   Back to public schools. What people like Dr. Dobson and Pat Robertson don’t seem to realize is that there’s more than one religious doctrine protected under the Constitution. So, if you want to start preaching creationism in public schools, fine. But do it in a theology class along with equal emphasis on all the other creation theories from Greek to Hindu. And I know they’re still getting their panties all in a knot over the proposed exclusion of “Under God” from the pledge of allegiance (which wasn’t in there until 1954 anyways). Again, as difficult as it may be, we all need to respect each other’s right to believe in whatever deity we choose to (or choose not to) believe in. I know Mr. Robertson wouldn’t appreciate having to align himself with Buddha every morning. 
   In the public sphere, the laws and policies have to be in the best interest of the PUBLIC, not interest groups like the Christian Coalition. Nobody is stopping them from practicing their beliefs, except for their belief that they have the right to force Christianity upon the entire population. And that opposition isn’t coming only from modern politicians, it’s in the Constitution itself. This country is not a theocracy nor was it intended as one. That’s why we have the first amendment. If the “Separation of church and state” is too hard to understand, maybe we should supplement it with a new policy: separation of head and ass.

Peace, bitches.

So I think to myself, what a wonderful world

In the history of my life, boredom has always been the key to my demise. If I had a dollar for every bad hook-up that's happened because House was a rerun that night, I might be able to start paying back my student loans. But this, dear reader, is a new low even for me.

I contributed to a comment war on a Yahoo! News site.

That's right. I exchanged verbal blows with people who have yet to discover grammar. It was the internet equivalent of driving a monster truck through the 100-meter dash at the Special Olympics, and I'm not proud.

That being said, even the mentally challenged would merit a shoe to the head for some of the things I read on that comment board.

As you may know, a lesbian high school student in Mississippi recently won a rather large settlement from her school district because they wouldn't let her take her girlfriend to prom. (Apparently, they thought that she should just go with her cousin like 85 percent of her classmates. Insert cymbal clash.)

As with most Yahoo! News articles-- and, unfortunately, a lot of online news stories-- the comment board almost immediately filled with thousands of messages from posters who fell into one of four categories, which I will kindly describe to you now.

1. The ravenous Bible-thumper-- This person apparently never had a civics class. Or, possibly, any classes. It may very well be that they're quoting the Bible so vigorously because it's the only book they've ever read. Or, it's the only book they've ever listened to on audio tape, which, judging by their mangling of the English language, is the more likely scenario. Coupled with a generous dose of Fox News and the 700 Club, they are fully equipped to tell you all about the message of Christ-- that abortion and taxes are tools of the devil and the gays are out to eat your babies, rape your dog and bring down democracy as we know it.
   
   
2. The outraged fiscal conservative-- This man is convinced that every time a policy decision is made, a court decision is passed or a roll of toilet paper is purchased at the library, it came directly from his tax dollars and his tax dollars alone. However, being too lazy to attend a "tea party" and bitch and moan with his fellow useless ass-clowns, he decides to share his impotent rage with the mighty Internets. Thanks, pal.
   
   
3. The mindless asshole-- Having no real ideological reason to comment on the article, but unable to repress the insatiable need to prove to the world that he is a complete and utter douchebag, this particular individual proceeds to fill the message boards with such insightful jewels as "She's a fat bitch," "Why does that ugly whore get money?" and "Lesbian sex is gross, it's like two scissors rubbing against each other." (And, unfortunately, I did not make these comments up. Dead serious.)
   
   
4. The overly nice girl-- She's the little ray of sunshine in the otherwise dark and stormy world of online comment boards. Her comments range from "You go girl!" to "I don't think it's our place to judge." While a beacon of civility, in what is otherwise a glorified version of this, one is left with the urge to take her by the hand and quietly walk her away before she gets hurt. Or hit with a renegade chunk of feces.

(An honorable mention goes to the three angry gay men, who basically directed comments on par with those of the Mindless Asshole at the Bible-thumping individuals in the conversation. You know, because being aware of the legal basis or even basic logical arguments behind the issues that you care about is for sissies. Good job, guys, on figuring out that it's best to fight fire with aggressive stupidity.)

Now, obviously something had to be done to pull the discussion toward the realm of sanity. I mean, thousands of people were debating a matter of civil rights and public law in terms of Bible verses and fat jokes. At least something reasonable had to be said.
So, when I read a comment from "DJ" stating: "Let these heathens carry on with their wicked ways. The Lord's wrath will be swift and nonforgiving," I calmly hit the "Reply" button below his post and proceeded to do my part.

"I think the word you're looking for is 'unforgiving.'"

Send.

And her epitaph will read "Well, that was a waste of time."

Location: My room.

Time: Four-fucking-a.m.-- The time of morning that the ass-crack of dawn isn’t even aware of. The time of morning that I’m pretty sure has its own section in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights to explain the numerous ways in which it is wrong to make people be awake at. The time of morning at which I woke up to begin preparations for my first desperate attempt to get money since my poverty drove me back home last week.

The goal is to check out this temp service my mom told me about that, according to her, pays daily. As in, I work today and have money to go to the bar tonight. And she has assured me several times that it is not prostitution. Sounds like a win, right?

Right…

I pull up to the place at about ten after five-- 20 minutes early-- and sit in my car not so much drinking my coffee as happening to it. If you need a visual, watch the owl in the back corner and understand why the guy in the car next to mine wouldn't make eye contact with me.

It was when my coffee ran out that I began to have some serious doubts. For one, it's impossible to tell if the place is open or not. All the lights are on but, the building looks like I should be checking it for construction workers or hobos instead of receptionists. And, judging by all the guys idling in their cars outside of the building, I'm beginning to wonder if my mother was lying about the whole prostitution thing. But, I give both the men and the building the benefit of the doubt, and decide to stick it out until 5:30. That, and I really want beer money.

Ten minutes after the place was supposed to open, however, nobody had gotten out of any of the other four cars that were parked in front of the building. At this point I'm fairly certain that they're not there for the temp jobs and I'm in the middle of some weird parking lot meeting of an SUV gang for middle-aged men or the rendezvous point for some early-morning gay sex hookup.

So, I do the only sensible thing. I get out of the car to go and actually check the door. Maybe someone had come in when I was inhaling my coffee. Or maybe they were there from the start and I just didn't see them in that barren crater that was the office. And, on the bright side, if these guys aren't here for the temp jobs, then I'm the only candidate and they have to pay me! Victory!

I get about halfway to the building when I hear three car doors shut behind me, and all I can think is:

Oh shit, I'm about to become the basis for a new Lifetime movie.

Right about then, one of the guys yells "It's not open yet. The girl's late." The speaker, a creature I have fondly named Ewgoddamnit, is a short, unhealthy-looking man with sunken eyes and pit stains that I could see clearly from 6 feet away in the dark. The creature approaches, apparently encouraged by the fact that I turned to look at it. "What's your name?"

It was here that I made my first mistake.

"Danielle."

"That a beautiful name. You's really beautiful, Danielle."

"Okay."

"You got a boy--"

"No."

"Can I get your---"

"No."

"What?"

"No."

The conversation is mercifully cut short when the woman with the keys to the building finally decides to show up and do her goddamn job, although she doesn't look thrilled about it. In all honesty, she looks like she spoke to Maury in the car and he told her that her husband was running away to South Africa to elope with her uncle-- and the son of a bitch took the dog, too.

She leads us in to the desolate room and heads behind the desk where she unpacks her purse and immediately starts making phone calls. I, who would like to know where to place my resume, or fill out an application or, at the very least, find out which rickety truck I should hop into to take me to pick the goddamn cherries in the back 40-- or whatever the shit it is they do here-- wait patiently by the desk for her to finish her call. When she's done, I ask "Excuse me, but do you need my resume, or should I fill out an application? This is my first time here."

She gives me the look she'd like to give her uncle, if he wasn't on a plane to South Africa to elope with her husband. And the dog. "Go sit down and I'll call you up when it's time."

Thoroughly chastised, I pull one of the white-ish plastic lawn chairs out of the pile and have a seat. Eventually, I'm called up-- along with four other men-- and she issues instructions in the uninterested fashion of the guy in charge of delousing in old prison movies. "License and social security cards."

And here's where I realize, as I do every day, that I am a complete moron.

Unfortunately, I’ve been cycling through campus jobs for so long that I forgot that real jobs need real documents to legally pay you. Real documents like the ones sitting in my desk in Lansing, waiting for me to acquire a truck and manly friends to help me move it and the rest of my furniture to the place where myself, my clothing and my booze already are.

Fuck.

So, this is where the adventure ends. I drive away with enough caffeine in my system to drive half a dozen elephants into half a dozen new and exciting states of cardiac arrest and enough fury to kill the stragglers of the herd with my teeth. I also drive away with an empty gas tank.

So, I stop to fill my tank on the way back. I don’t know whether to laugh or fling myself into traffic when I see the gas card my mom got me last night.

Printed across the front in bright, cheerful letters is the word “Congratulations!”